New confession I am in my mid-thirties and I am not where I expected to be in my personal life. I have always dreamed of a life with a husband that loved me and children and that hasn’t happened yet. I had dealt with all kinds of emotions regarding this there are times when I had strong faith times when I was angry. Recently I have decided I was disappointed not in myself but with God. I was doing my part and this was his fault! Why would God answer my prayers in other areas and not in this area? Why would he give me the desire to be a wife/mother and not fill it. Is God keeping up with my birthdays I will be 36 years old soon do I even have eggs left? This was not only unfair but it was not what I deserved. I am the girl next door; a good girl, a sweet girl, the girl you bring home. I lack nothing I can cook, I have a career success, I have a super cute curvy figure, I’m beautiful inside and out and most importantly I know I would make an excellent wife. I have been so angry with God. I felt like it’s his fault.
One day I just broke down and I was so over my relationship with God I did not want to deal with it anymore. I stopped believing that God could answer my prayers for a family. I called my mom and told her I give up! No more thought of children, a husband no more dating I was done! In the breaking process I expressed my feelings honestly and openly with God. I started seeing my life from a different standpoint. I saw where stuffed my feelings in food, sex, being overly busy and blocking people I love out of my life. This is where I saw the real problem….the problem was me.
I few days later these were my thoughts in a morning prayer
Growing up spiritually,,,,, I asked God to help me to see the value of my singleness.. I saw no value in a life without children or a husband because that was my only dream as a child. I have always seen my career as a bonus, a way to make money and keep my life busy until my real career started my family. In thinking about the source of my dysfunction in relationships with the opposite sex I wanted to find out why I allowed myself to connect to people who did not meet my standards. While I was getting dressed God spoke to me about understanding who my enemies are in my life. I am a peaceful person I said “God I have no enemies” then he revealed to me who my true enemies are and how to defeat them. I kept hearing God say “In the presence of my enemy….You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honor me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. “(Psalms 23:5 CEV)
I then examined my life and found my enemies Doubt, fear, and lack. These fools have been working overtime lately trying to make me to give up on my family dream. I was sure that I needed to believe God for another dream and be happy with only what I had in front of me. As I was meditating on Ps, 23:5 I saw how my prepared table was waiting for me. It is God’s pleasure to make a mockery out of the predictions of my enemies. It pleases him to fulfill the desires of my heart and the good work he started in me. I begin to laugh at the process knowing that because the pressure is so strong I have to be super close right now to manifestation. Now I have confident assurance of his Love and i have so much Joy. I see the value of the freedom that I have access to and I clearly see the value of increasing the intimacy I have with God. I see where I can be a better daughter, sister and friend and because of the gifts of love that I have with people in my life. I see the joy of the process.
Until Next time,